Conflicting feelings
by Turtles95
Summary: How can finally having your dream come through be so confusing and frustrating?


I do not own any of the characters, only the idea of the story.

_This is my first story here on fanfiction and I'm so happy for finally writing and "publishing" a story after reading so many good stories :)_

Conflicting Feelings

Why was it had to happen to her? She had dreamed of it, read it and always yearned for it to happen to her and now that it had she just didn't know what to do. She just felt like hiding and that time could just freeze for everybody else so she could come back when she was ready and everything would be as she left it.

She had finally decided that she was strong enough to leave for a mission by herself and even though it was a translation mission she had to be gone a year and since Jet and Droy wouldn't have anything to do she decided that they should stay and train. After much pleading and sobbing they had agreed to her plan and didn't complain as much anymore and had just adapted. Everyone else in the guild agreed with the rest of Shadow Gear, but let her do as she wanted so she would be happy.

But then there was Gajeel. They had just become friends and even though he had other friends, that he had gained over the years since he joined Fairy Tail, she'd felt that she probably held a special place in his heart. By "accident" they had started talking about their feelings and it had messed with her whole plan.

When she started developing feelings for him she didn't shun them but actually embraced them, but now she felt that she maybe had been kidding herself. Maybe she was incapable of real love-love. She knew there were several kinds of love, like the love for family and the love for friends and even the love for books and stories. And then there was the real deep love that you had with your boyfriend/girlfriend and maybe later spouse. Maybe she was truly incapable of real love. Yes that had to be it, she reasoned. When a new situation presented itself in a crush or feelings, she ran. Almost every time. Not literally but she would find these reasons why it was no good and why she would only be left with a bleeding heart and regrets. When she had imagined something and it suddenly became close to reality, she felt just like hiding and ignoring the world around her until the problem could just solve itself. She didn't want hurt anybody.

No, she should be the only one involved in her twisted problems, but for some reason people always wanted to be involved. Almost everybody had tried to help her but they had all failed but still kept on trying. Mirajane would always try to match make her with somebody so she could also be happy like her and Freed, and Lucy tried to talk to her about it and let her talk about her problems but it usually just resulted in long nights not really coming up with anything worth. None had helped and none would.

She had thought about telling him about her feelings but then the logic kicked in and she realized that she just couldn't tell him how she felt, hoping that he felt the same and if he did, then what? She couldn't leave him hanging on a thread for a year waiting for her to come back. It just wasn't right for her to ask that off him. He should have the opportunity to live his life and maybe move on. What if his feelings changed and he felt that it wouldn't be fair to her so he would just stay stuck in a position he didn't enjoy anymore. It just wasn't fair of her to ask of him.

And what if she may be changed her feelings or fell in love, no that wouldn't happen, but the problem with her was that she didn't feel comfortable in a relationship because it felt like it was constricting her even though she knew deep down that wasn't really what she felt, she was just scared of change.

She was truly a mean person. She just hid from her feelings and ignored the signals from others at the same time as she yearned for those very feelings she ignored. She often thought of how nice it would be if life could just be like a fairy tale and that it could just fix itself around her so could have her happy ending with a loving person at her side and a good and cherished life. Maybe she had read too many books and now her brain decided that it would always be like in the books where your age didn't matter and you fell in love once never to love another again, but she knew that it wasn't like that in the real world and it was then her reality conflicted with the rest of the world's reality.


End file.
